So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” - Matthew 19:6
1. Never speak rashly.
Proverbs 15:1 tells us "A harsh word stirs up anger".
2.Never Confront your mate publicly.
Mathew 18:15. Jesus taught, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone". If you have a n issue to bring up with your spouse, do so in the privacy of your home.
3. Never confront your spouse in your childrens presence.
Your children in no way benefit from watching the two of you quarrel. They will inavriably respond more to the tone of your disagreement than to what is being said. they will feel defensive for themselves and defensive for the spouce they feel is getting a verbal lashing. they are likely to disrespect both parents for engagging in this behavior, either at the time or in later years. As a parent, you have the job of modeling good communication before your children, Proverbs 17:1 affirms, "better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife". A tense home will make a boy long for his drivers licence so he can escape. A young girl will long for some man to remove her from such a home -all too often, the wrong man.
4. Never use your children in your conflict.
sometime parents ask one of their children to side with them their argument, to help them in their defense, or even to lie for them. Again, this is not modeling good communication skills or good conflict resolution. A child needs the assurance that both parents love each other and are able to resolve their diffrences by themselves. to ask a child to side withone parent is to put the child in an extremely awkward and undesirable position.
5.Never Say "NEVER" OR "ALWAYS"
The tendency in a conflict is to take an issue to the extreme "You always do this " or You never do that". Very few things in life hapen in never or always terms. It's far more productive tosay, "I dont appreciate it when..." or "I feel bad when you....." and then state the specific behavior. Dont generalize or user broad terms. Be specific in citing behavior. Never and always are terms that polarize. Stay neutral and dont push your argument, or your spouse, to an extreme position.
6. Never resort to Name-Calling.
Name-calling is always negative in tone and negative in effect. A name-caller cites a weakness or flaw in the other person and exaggerates it. The way to resolution inconflict is tobecome specific and totake the heat and hurt out of one's spoken words. Name-calling is a sure-fire way to turn up both the heat and the hurt in an argument.
7.Never Get historical.
Dont dredge up the past. In recalling past sins and applying them to the most recent bad behavior or error., you are sending a strong signal to your spouse that you are not a forgiving person. A truly forgiving person endeavors not only to forgive, but alos to forget. Although you may not ever truly be abel to forget an incident, you can forget to bring it up.
8.Never stomp out of the room or leave.
This is a form of domination, a form of gaining victory, and it will produce nothing but unresolved and heightened anger.
9.Never raise your voice in rage.
Uncontrolled anger turns any statement into a sin and any discussion into an unresolved debate. it is a primitive form of winning an argument. If anger creeps into a conversation or discussion, the anger must first be addressed and defused before any other issue can be dealt. Proverbs 16:21 asserts, "Sweetness of the lips increase learning," Proverbs 16:24 adds, "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones". A quiet, sweet tone of voice makes a person much more persuasive and brings about a much better attitude in the person who is listening.
10.Never bring family members into the dicussion unless they are a direct part of the problem being addressed.
In other words, never say to a person, "You are just like your father" or "Your mother does this and it drives me nets, and now you're doing it too". Regardless of the accuracy of your statment, your spouce is going to be defensive about his or her parents. Very little can be accomplished in a discussion if parents or in-laws are brought into the discussion, because they will then become the focal points of the argument.
11.Never use reasoning or logic as weapons.
Arguments are fueled by a competitive spirit that insists upon winning. conflicts are resolved when one person chooses willfully to "lose" or to abondon a position and yield to the other person. Nothing is more disrespectful than to disregard the feelings of your mate with cold logic as if your mate's pain is foolish and imagined.
Is this a doormat position? No To the contrary, it is agodly position. Repeatedy thruogh the new Testament we find admonitions that we are to submit to other believrs. Rather than to defend a position of personal "right", we areto submit our personal rights to a greater position of seeking unity and harmony within the body of christ.
this is not to say that we are to compromise with evil. If a spouse is intent on engaging in evil behavior that involves both spouses or the family as a whole, there is not way that the other spouse should contribute to or accommodate that behavior.
Seek every means of possible of convincing your spouse that wheat he is about to do si unrighteous before God and dangerous to the integerity ofyour marriage and family. Make every appeal you can make to the person to turn away from evil and toward the things to God. Pray diligently and fervently that God will drop the scales of deceit from your spouse's eyes so that he might see clearly the full ramifications of what is being done and come to himself, and in the process , repent of his ungodly behavior.
12. Never be Condenscending.
Arguments are rarely resolved if one person adopts a "Know it all" or "better than thou" attitude. If condesecending behavior is manifested in a public setting, the spouse who is being talked down to is likely to be angry and embarrassed. Whether you are husband or wife, your role in marriage is to build up, to edify, to strengthen and to genuinely praise the goodness of God in your spouce. A condesending attitude does just the opposite.
13. Never Demean.
Some people dont condescend in tone; they demean in actual content of their communication. One man said :My wife isn't well educated andd doesn't know about these things". He had no idea that he was hurting his wife in making a statement like that. He could hardly fathom the fact that she was embarressed and upset by his remark, which he perceived to be a simple fact. He even said to me, "I am telling the truth , and if the truth hurts a little, so be it. you have got to face the truth".
Much truth in our world never needs to be said. And there is no greater truth that this: we are to love one another at all times. If telling the truth to a person clashes with expressing love to that person, err on the side of expressing love. Ther is no excuse at any time for demeaning a person. Rather, focus on all of the good qualities and traits that God has put into your spouse. build up these attributes. Praise the good. You may be amazed to see how the bad pales into the background of your relationship.
14. Never accuse your spouse with "YOU" statements.
Arguments escalate when you continually point to the other person and say such things as , "You did this, ", "You said that", "You caused this" or "you are a rotten person.". you have taken on the roles of both judge and jury. Instead ,couch your statements in "I" terms; "I heard this and i need to know if i heard you correctly", "I dont understand what you mean when you say ..." or " I felt this way when i heard what you said.".
15.Never allow an argument to begin if both of you are overly tired, if one of you is under the influence of chemicals or if one of you isphysically ill.
Abigail, the wife of a foolish man named Nabal, had the good sense notto tell her husband what a grevous error he had made untill he was sober enough to hear her fully (1 samuel 25). A person who is physically ill; isunder the influence of alcohol, drugs or heavy duty prescription medications; or is exhausted physically or emotionally cannot engage in a reasonable, logical, rational conversation. if your spouse lashes out at you while he or she is in one ofthese condtions, wait until the context changes before you respond or bring up an issue for discussion.
16. Never touch your spouce in a harmful manner.
No grabbling, no slapping, no shaking , no pushing, no strong-arming. Rough physical treatment is never justifiable.
Dont be discouraged or fearful when conflicts arise. use them as a building stones toward an even more wornderful marriage relationship. On the heels of conflict and resolution, we see marriage at its most intimate.
1. Never speak rashly.
Proverbs 15:1 tells us "A harsh word stirs up anger".
2.Never Confront your mate publicly.
Mathew 18:15. Jesus taught, "If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone". If you have a n issue to bring up with your spouse, do so in the privacy of your home.
3. Never confront your spouse in your childrens presence.Your children in no way benefit from watching the two of you quarrel. They will inavriably respond more to the tone of your disagreement than to what is being said. they will feel defensive for themselves and defensive for the spouce they feel is getting a verbal lashing. they are likely to disrespect both parents for engagging in this behavior, either at the time or in later years. As a parent, you have the job of modeling good communication before your children, Proverbs 17:1 affirms, "better is a dry morsel with quietness, than a house full of feasting with strife". A tense home will make a boy long for his drivers licence so he can escape. A young girl will long for some man to remove her from such a home -all too often, the wrong man.
4. Never use your children in your conflict.
sometime parents ask one of their children to side with them their argument, to help them in their defense, or even to lie for them. Again, this is not modeling good communication skills or good conflict resolution. A child needs the assurance that both parents love each other and are able to resolve their diffrences by themselves. to ask a child to side withone parent is to put the child in an extremely awkward and undesirable position.
5.Never Say "NEVER" OR "ALWAYS"
The tendency in a conflict is to take an issue to the extreme "You always do this " or You never do that". Very few things in life hapen in never or always terms. It's far more productive tosay, "I dont appreciate it when..." or "I feel bad when you....." and then state the specific behavior. Dont generalize or user broad terms. Be specific in citing behavior. Never and always are terms that polarize. Stay neutral and dont push your argument, or your spouse, to an extreme position.
6. Never resort to Name-Calling.
Name-calling is always negative in tone and negative in effect. A name-caller cites a weakness or flaw in the other person and exaggerates it. The way to resolution inconflict is tobecome specific and totake the heat and hurt out of one's spoken words. Name-calling is a sure-fire way to turn up both the heat and the hurt in an argument.
7.Never Get historical.
Dont dredge up the past. In recalling past sins and applying them to the most recent bad behavior or error., you are sending a strong signal to your spouse that you are not a forgiving person. A truly forgiving person endeavors not only to forgive, but alos to forget. Although you may not ever truly be abel to forget an incident, you can forget to bring it up.
8.Never stomp out of the room or leave.
This is a form of domination, a form of gaining victory, and it will produce nothing but unresolved and heightened anger.
9.Never raise your voice in rage.
Uncontrolled anger turns any statement into a sin and any discussion into an unresolved debate. it is a primitive form of winning an argument. If anger creeps into a conversation or discussion, the anger must first be addressed and defused before any other issue can be dealt. Proverbs 16:21 asserts, "Sweetness of the lips increase learning," Proverbs 16:24 adds, "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones". A quiet, sweet tone of voice makes a person much more persuasive and brings about a much better attitude in the person who is listening.
10.Never bring family members into the dicussion unless they are a direct part of the problem being addressed.
In other words, never say to a person, "You are just like your father" or "Your mother does this and it drives me nets, and now you're doing it too". Regardless of the accuracy of your statment, your spouce is going to be defensive about his or her parents. Very little can be accomplished in a discussion if parents or in-laws are brought into the discussion, because they will then become the focal points of the argument.
11.Never use reasoning or logic as weapons.
Arguments are fueled by a competitive spirit that insists upon winning. conflicts are resolved when one person chooses willfully to "lose" or to abondon a position and yield to the other person. Nothing is more disrespectful than to disregard the feelings of your mate with cold logic as if your mate's pain is foolish and imagined.
Is this a doormat position? No To the contrary, it is agodly position. Repeatedy thruogh the new Testament we find admonitions that we are to submit to other believrs. Rather than to defend a position of personal "right", we areto submit our personal rights to a greater position of seeking unity and harmony within the body of christ.
this is not to say that we are to compromise with evil. If a spouse is intent on engaging in evil behavior that involves both spouses or the family as a whole, there is not way that the other spouse should contribute to or accommodate that behavior.
Seek every means of possible of convincing your spouse that wheat he is about to do si unrighteous before God and dangerous to the integerity ofyour marriage and family. Make every appeal you can make to the person to turn away from evil and toward the things to God. Pray diligently and fervently that God will drop the scales of deceit from your spouse's eyes so that he might see clearly the full ramifications of what is being done and come to himself, and in the process , repent of his ungodly behavior.
12. Never be Condenscending.
Arguments are rarely resolved if one person adopts a "Know it all" or "better than thou" attitude. If condesecending behavior is manifested in a public setting, the spouse who is being talked down to is likely to be angry and embarrassed. Whether you are husband or wife, your role in marriage is to build up, to edify, to strengthen and to genuinely praise the goodness of God in your spouce. A condesending attitude does just the opposite.
13. Never Demean.
Some people dont condescend in tone; they demean in actual content of their communication. One man said :My wife isn't well educated andd doesn't know about these things". He had no idea that he was hurting his wife in making a statement like that. He could hardly fathom the fact that she was embarressed and upset by his remark, which he perceived to be a simple fact. He even said to me, "I am telling the truth , and if the truth hurts a little, so be it. you have got to face the truth".
Much truth in our world never needs to be said. And there is no greater truth that this: we are to love one another at all times. If telling the truth to a person clashes with expressing love to that person, err on the side of expressing love. Ther is no excuse at any time for demeaning a person. Rather, focus on all of the good qualities and traits that God has put into your spouse. build up these attributes. Praise the good. You may be amazed to see how the bad pales into the background of your relationship.
14. Never accuse your spouse with "YOU" statements.
Arguments escalate when you continually point to the other person and say such things as , "You did this, ", "You said that", "You caused this" or "you are a rotten person.". you have taken on the roles of both judge and jury. Instead ,couch your statements in "I" terms; "I heard this and i need to know if i heard you correctly", "I dont understand what you mean when you say ..." or " I felt this way when i heard what you said.".
15.Never allow an argument to begin if both of you are overly tired, if one of you is under the influence of chemicals or if one of you isphysically ill.
Abigail, the wife of a foolish man named Nabal, had the good sense notto tell her husband what a grevous error he had made untill he was sober enough to hear her fully (1 samuel 25). A person who is physically ill; isunder the influence of alcohol, drugs or heavy duty prescription medications; or is exhausted physically or emotionally cannot engage in a reasonable, logical, rational conversation. if your spouse lashes out at you while he or she is in one ofthese condtions, wait until the context changes before you respond or bring up an issue for discussion.
16. Never touch your spouce in a harmful manner.
No grabbling, no slapping, no shaking , no pushing, no strong-arming. Rough physical treatment is never justifiable.
Dont be discouraged or fearful when conflicts arise. use them as a building stones toward an even more wornderful marriage relationship. On the heels of conflict and resolution, we see marriage at its most intimate.
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